wow...
i am finally back...
it has been three months since i last post an entry in here.
i wonder how much have it change?
i guess...
i am still so not hardworking on entry posting....

it has been so tiring for these few months 'cause my sister came back from Australia and my friends are getting ready to go Australia. it was also because i graduated from my pre-u studies and all my friends are going in separate ways. some went to KL, some went to Australia, some stayed in JB and so on. we were all hugging each other and telling each other to take care, hoping that we will meet soon when everyone comes back to JB and wishing that we will still be who we are when we come back.

most of us, or maybe just me, feared that our friendships will turn sour after everyone left. it is hard to maintain long distance friendship as the time we go online will soon be in a mess as different part of Australia have different time lag and that we will soon be busying with our own things to chat online often.

it has been quite some time on since they all left and i believed that they have already get used to the new environment.

i am still in the same old college i am in a year ago, but all the people around me changed. i am in a new course and i have new coursemates and i have to start making friends all over again. this is a little sad thing for me because i am not good at making friends and i am always the passive party in making friends. sad thing huh? when everyone starts making new friends and playing around with them, starting to know about each other more and there i am in a corner sitting by myself and always alone in doing things. i can't help it. it just that i will never know what to talk about when i am with people i don't know or don't really know.

i missed my friends.

one of my lecturers says she feel so sad when she sees me going to a college but making no friends. haha, lonely isn't a bad thing after all. i can go wherever i want and whenever i like, but this is real bad when it comes to assignments. i got no one to get help from and i normally won't approach the lecturers.(i fear they would 'bite' me, even when i know they won't 'bite')

i am making new friends right now slowly. and i guess i looks more approachable right now.

i wonder how are my friends right now. it was so difficult for me to only get used to the new friends and the new subjects but to them, they will be in a brand new environment where they won't know where the library will be, where can they go when they need to do some shopping, and so on. they have totally no idea of the new environment and they have to adapt to it fast so that they can concentrate on their studies. i believe in Australia, the weather can also be a very disturbing factor as i have heard about the everchanging weather there. though i have to say now, due to global warming, the weather everywhere is changing more and more frequently.

i really hope that at the end of this year, we all can gather again and continue with what we left. then, that will be a very good time to really take a look at each other and observe how each of us grow, how we changed and how we become matured. and i am still going to happy just because i am one of the youngest in the group. not because of the age problem but because they will still be big sisters to me.

at the early part of this year, about february, my mother and i went to the temple and prayed.(i am a Buddhist or maybe a taoist, i am not sure about it) my mother knew one of the people working in the temple and he help us in preparing the things needed for praying. he took the birth date(lunar calendar) of all the family members.

after he prepared everything, he let me read about some profiles in one of the books they used. it shows things like horoscopes except that it was according to our birth time or something like that. i am not very sure about all these things but i am really sad when i read one of the profiles he showed me. it was about my father and it seems that this year is a very bad year for him. i did not quite remember what it was written but it's real bad. the only thing that was left in my mind right now is that he might not live through this year.(maybe because of some factors, i might be remembering the wrong thing) and i was real sad.

it is sad when someone close leaves but it is even more sad when you know someone close is going to leave and yet you could do nothing about it. i felt so helpless. i want him to stay with me for as long as possible. i am scared too.

but in my mind right now, i am still half believing and half not believing and this memory of me is only being handled properly right now. when i first read about this, i felt so scared and so upset i hide this piece of information deep in my mind. i tried not to touch it as much as possible and ignore it when it surfaces, pretending it wasn't there at all. and all in my mind right then was that i am willing to pray for days or for weeks, even months if i can change this piece of information.(i normally don't pray and i never know of any prayers) and i kept telling myself that this is just a prediction and it might not be true at all. there is still a chance that my father will live through this year and step in the next year and so on.

i really wish and pray and hope and pray that this piece of information will not be true. i really don't want to lose anyone close. but i got to wait till the end of this year before i know if this is true or not. and so i wait... ... 9 more months to go... ...

Categories: my life [t]

i know it's sad to see all friends in ur environment one by one leave u... since i came back from nz ... i feel my friendship with some collegemates are becoming ... drifting apart. it's just plain sad. i recalled the days when we were happy spending time together and then the next ... it's now just a cherished memory.

despite that i still keep trying to make new friends.
» renaye on 2008-03-22 09:09:59

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