i am too tired to move on.i am so giving up my life.i live in fear everyday,thinking about how my parents would looked at me.their disappointment in me,their anger in me and their sadness in me.everything.

i am now scared to go home.i don't want to go home.how i wish i could go to a far far away place and have a brand new life.breaking free from it prison of pain.but i can't.i don't have the ability to do that.

and somemore,my parents are pushing me off the edge.their adult game,they pulled me in to be their shields.great,now i am a kid injuried with thousands and thousands of arrows shotted by them,and yet they didn't not even see me bleeding right in front of them.just great.no one to nurse my injuries and yet the injuring did not stop.

i lost my way.

what should i do now?

what can i do now?

i am just a kid,how am i to solve their problems?

its a adults game,i am not even allowed to play

so why am i in the game now??

i was crying hard today in the college.i cried and stopped and cried and stopped.until i could not take it anymore and then i ran to the toilet and cried my heart out.i was in fear, and i was shivering hard.i could not take it anymore.life is just too much for me.i fear everyone,everything.i felt as though my heart break into thousands and thousands of pieces,and they flew as the wind blows,no longer with me anymore.this is how i felt now,emptiness;more emptiness.

what is home now i don't know.i only know i am filled with fear now,and that i am going to break down soon.i am going to go mad soon.i know,because i almost lost my mind just now.i was totally agitated.i am going mad soon.how i wish there is someone to solve their problems before i go mad so that i won't go mad!but i know there will be no help for they hide their matters well behind the doors.no one could hear or sees it unless they were being told about what happened.

and throughout the whole thing,their irresponsibilities and their actions and words landed heavily on me,for i could not tell anyone about it.they disallowed it.and even if i tell and someone tries to help me by talking to them,they will just listen and ignore or they would keep denying something like that actually happens.

if the person really believes what i said,they would chat for a while and when that person is gone,my parents would start blaming things on me and give me that look filled with hatred.

i realised something long long time ago:that i no longer holds the value i used to hold.i am now a tool,instead of a child.and since the day they start pulling me into their fights,i should have face this fact.but i could not.how can a 17 year old girl face the fact that the parents she loved and respected the most no matter what happens would actually treats her as a tool now when they used to treat her as a princess?

how cruel can life be... ...

my love was betrayed.

my trust too, was betrayed.

but that 2 people that are most reliable in the whole wide world.

so what is the great deal about talking to your parents about your problems,

when your parents no longer sees you?

they denied your existence.

and only see you

when they need a tool

or a shield

in their stupid fight

so what does your parents means to you now?

does they still will be the most important persons in your life?

i know they would be

but

the cruelty have pushed me too far

that

i might lose my sanity soon

i tried to be strong

i have been very strong

if not,

i would have break down years ago

i am losing my grip soon

no longer has the energy to hold on

and when i fall,

i wont know

what will

become

of

me...

Categories: my life [t]

Your parents problems aren't your problems. It's not up to you to solve them either. After my parents divorced, they refused to talk to one another so I became their messenger. On top of it all, my dad was always trying to come up with a way to get back at my mom. It was so ridiculous. Adults acting like children.

If your parents won't listen to reason then you need to find a way to get out. You don't need to be there. Sounds like it's unhealthy for you.
» Southern on 2007-05-21 05:41:22

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