i purposely feed my dogs late at night today, so that when i get near them or stay away from them they would just bark as loudly as they could.

i feel so frustrated about everything and i want them to destroy the peaceful night.i hate that silence surrounding me. i want them to bark as loudly as they could, so that the neighbors would be angry with me for destroying their silent night,waking them up from their sweet sweet dreams.i want all those noises to fill my ears and fill my mind.its painful hanging in the air,where u don't know what to do or where to go.i am so stuck in between the good and the bad that i really wish someone could hate me thoroughly.i am so tired of being of good girl,yet i can't bear to be a bad girl.

i wanted the neighbors to yell at me,asking me to shut those dogs up,scolding me for feeding the dogs at night and blaming me for being inconsiderate.but no one did that,except my mum,yet she was the reason i am in pain right now.

why is it that whatever happens between the parents,kids end up the reasons they are unhappy?even though kids are not the fault in the first at all.

it was their games,a father and mother game, a husband and wife game, a two adults game,but why am i always being drag into their stupid game?i am innocent you know,they made use of me to scold other,saying their thoughts using my name.how hard was it to build a good relationship with my parents?everyone tried that before,everyone knew they were always miscommunication between the kids and the parents.but,i was having a nice and sweet relationship with them,and they made use of my name.the persons i trusted most,actually did this to me.it took me so long before everything is so nice now,and they destroy everything.am i just a tool??am i just so worthless to them that they can sacrifice me anytime they like?

i felt pain.who am i to trust now,since i can't even trust my own parents?i am so scared of facing them now,since i don't even know myself what 'i' have told them.they would just look at me with disappointment,that they brought me up,working hard for my life and yet 'my' attitude to them were like that.

home sweet home?i only have fear in my home right now.i don't their disappointment in me,and i fear their eyes and words right now.who said home is sweet,its painful to me.why can't they see that i am bleeding hard?why can't they see that their actions are knives stabbed into me.why can't they see that i am too tired to move on??why??

was it because i hide too well??or was it because they never care about that in the first place.was it because i have already become a tool since the day they were unahppy about each other,only that i did not realise? who can tell me why?this is miserable.how i wish i could just walk away,find another new house and live on my own,free from them.but i don't have the ability.

am i really just a tool to them?how am i to trust anymore?people have parents to support and comfort them when they fell down.but what about me?they are the reason i fell.so where can i find another parents that can hug me tight and tell me i will be ok soon,and then tuck me in to sleep.WHERE?where,when my own parents already are treating me like this......

Categories: my life [t]

ling ling
hehe maybe will change seat~ yep..sometimes u do hide urself very well until no1 can sense tt something is wrong... u can still tell me even though my IQ is low and may not be able to give u a solution but still better than nth.. *hugsss* and *kisses* ^^ stay happy~
» zhutoulin on 2007-05-19 09:20:12

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.