i want to start saving up my money to buy myself a car from now on.

it was something that happened that made me so determined about it. after all, i am just eighteen, how much do i have to buy a car?

this car that i am using right now, can suddenly switched to no gear ( i using auto car) when i am in the middle of the road, in the middle of a junction. i had to act fast before the fast coming cars coming towards me at my side come crashing into me.

since my dad says he has no solutions to such a problem, i will save up enough money to buy myself one, to solve the problem. i know it could take years before i have enough money but i don't mind.

maybe i will look for a job and work extra harder, maybe i will study extra harder, i am sure i will have the money in the matter of time.

this is dangerous if one day, the same thing happened and i could not get myself out of the situation in time.

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wow...
i am finally back...
it has been three months since i last post an entry in here.
i wonder how much have it change?
i guess...
i am still so not hardworking on entry posting....

it has been so tiring for these few months 'cause my sister came back from Australia and my friends are getting ready to go Australia. it was also because i graduated from my pre-u studies and all my friends are going in separate ways. some went to KL, some went to Australia, some stayed in JB and so on. we were all hugging each other and telling each other to take care, hoping that we will meet soon when everyone comes back to JB and wishing that we will still be who we are when we come back.

most of us, or maybe just me, feared that our friendships will turn sour after everyone left. it is hard to maintain long distance friendship as the time we go online will soon be in a mess as different part of Australia have different time lag and that we will soon be busying with our own things to chat online often.

it has been quite some time on since they all left and i believed that they have already get used to the new environment.

i am still in the same old college i am in a year ago, but all the people around me changed. i am in a new course and i have new coursemates and i have to start making friends all over again. this is a little sad thing for me because i am not good at making friends and i am always the passive party in making friends. sad thing huh? when everyone starts making new friends and playing around with them, starting to know about each other more and there i am in a corner sitting by myself and always alone in doing things. i can't help it. it just that i will never know what to talk about when i am with people i don't know or don't really know.

i missed my friends.

one of my lecturers says she feel so sad when she sees me going to a college but making no friends. haha, lonely isn't a bad thing after all. i can go wherever i want and whenever i like, but this is real bad when it comes to assignments. i got no one to get help from and i normally won't approach the lecturers.(i fear they would 'bite' me, even when i know they won't 'bite')

i am making new friends right now slowly. and i guess i looks more approachable right now.

i wonder how are my friends right now. it was so difficult for me to only get used to the new friends and the new subjects but to them, they will be in a brand new environment where they won't know where the library will be, where can they go when they need to do some shopping, and so on. they have totally no idea of the new environment and they have to adapt to it fast so that they can concentrate on their studies. i believe in Australia, the weather can also be a very disturbing factor as i have heard about the everchanging weather there. though i have to say now, due to global warming, the weather everywhere is changing more and more frequently.

i really hope that at the end of this year, we all can gather again and continue with what we left. then, that will be a very good time to really take a look at each other and observe how each of us grow, how we changed and how we become matured. and i am still going to happy just because i am one of the youngest in the group. not because of the age problem but because they will still be big sisters to me.

at the early part of this year, about february, my mother and i went to the temple and prayed.(i am a Buddhist or maybe a taoist, i am not sure about it) my mother knew one of the people working in the temple and he help us in preparing the things needed for praying. he took the birth date(lunar calendar) of all the family members.

after he prepared everything, he let me read about some profiles in one of the books they used. it shows things like horoscopes except that it was according to our birth time or something like that. i am not very sure about all these things but i am really sad when i read one of the profiles he showed me. it was about my father and it seems that this year is a very bad year for him. i did not quite remember what it was written but it's real bad. the only thing that was left in my mind right now is that he might not live through this year.(maybe because of some factors, i might be remembering the wrong thing) and i was real sad.

it is sad when someone close leaves but it is even more sad when you know someone close is going to leave and yet you could do nothing about it. i felt so helpless. i want him to stay with me for as long as possible. i am scared too.

but in my mind right now, i am still half believing and half not believing and this memory of me is only being handled properly right now. when i first read about this, i felt so scared and so upset i hide this piece of information deep in my mind. i tried not to touch it as much as possible and ignore it when it surfaces, pretending it wasn't there at all. and all in my mind right then was that i am willing to pray for days or for weeks, even months if i can change this piece of information.(i normally don't pray and i never know of any prayers) and i kept telling myself that this is just a prediction and it might not be true at all. there is still a chance that my father will live through this year and step in the next year and so on.

i really wish and pray and hope and pray that this piece of information will not be true. i really don't want to lose anyone close. but i got to wait till the end of this year before i know if this is true or not. and so i wait... ... 9 more months to go... ...

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my exams are finally over!! i am finally free!!

gosh! it's been such a long time since i last leave my entry. man! there are so much so much to type and i don't know where i want to start.

2 days before the exams started, one of my friends' mother passed away. she was so sad that after she was tired of crying, she just daze. everyone was sad. her mother was a very nice and friendly person. but everything is over now, she got over her mother's death very quickly, which is good.

after the maths exam, one of my course mates cried because she think she will not be able to make it through, and because her name was similar to mine, people were asking how am i when i went online after i reached home. it was later when i told them i did not even feel sad about it then they realised they heard the wrong name.

the next day, if i remember the dates correctly, one of my friends' house was invaded by termites and her dad and her spent the whole afternoon cleaning the mess and getting rid of the termites.

after the accounting paper, i have 10 days to work on my economics while some others worked on their computer science.i have to go to college on deepavali and my dad was shocked when he knew this. there shouldn't be any school on public holidays?!

today is the last day of the paper and we went fast-fooding after the paper and went straight for bowling. after the bowling, we took a lot of photos in the toilet, making a guy walking into the men's room curious about why the ladies room are so noisy. then we took many photos standing on the stage where the first, second and third have different heights and can normally be seen when the winners get their trophies. one of the maintainence crew saw us and wanted to disturbed us.

i hope i did not miss out any.

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just now, something very disgusting happened.

i like to play around with my puppies (only 2 left.the rest were given away) before they have their dinner. but today, they knew where i left their food, so instead of playing with me, they just hang around the place where i place the food (it was too high for them to reach). i got bored, so i sat down on the floor at a distance watching them trying to get their food. just when my butt touched the floor, one of the puppies, the girl girl pup, ran towards me. she ran too fast to stop in time in front of me that she ran straight into me with her lips crushed into my lips. gosh!! it's gross. i mean, i do love dogs and puppies are definitely cute, but not when their lips crush into my lips. it's..............oh goodness...... at least i know i shouldn't do the same thing next time.

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I met an angel.

when i start my year 2007 in this college, i keep myself away from everyone. there were two choices for me: make friends, or let them approach me. i chose to be passive. I don't know how to approach new people in the new environment. but at least i am learning right now.

i thought i was going to spend the year like how i used to be; solitary and staying away from people. classmates do approach me at times, trying to make friends with me, but i feel so uneasy with the new surrounding that i spend my free time alone whenever possible.

i could not remember much about how things happened but soon became rather good friends. come to think of it, there are so many times where i can't remember what happened but its always strangers at the start of the year and close friends at the end of the year. the only thing that i remembered are the times we went through, those funny moments, and those sad sad moments, those memorable moments, and those touching moments.

only recently, i realised i met an angel. she is such a kind person that she is always ready to help and always ready to forgive anyone for anything. i guess that thing she hate most is to have people lying to her time and again. Maybe because she always laugh so whole- heartedly, her smile shone so brightly. the best season to describe her is the summer, where laughter seems to be everywhere and there is no place for tears.

i have been shutting myself in those painful memories of mine. though there are some things that i have gotten over it, i could not find a reason to move on. and therefore i stayed, of course, with those painful memories. but when i met her, i started to admire her; her willingness to forgive everything and her true- hearted smiles. it feels so warm and gave me a feeling that nothing could get in her way.

meeting her makes me feels as though i am a kid tired of crying after i had a fall with wounds on my knees and her as a passer-by running passed me, and then suddenly turned around and says something like 'what are you waiting for? come on, let's go' kind of things. she makes me want to move on and continue running with the others. i suddenly have the feeling of fear of being abandoned by the others. i suddenly have the urge to move on and really work hard to not let others have a chance to leave me behind. :D

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my trials are finally over and i just have some time to take a deep breath before continuing the last round of the race. gosh! run! run! run! time's gonna up soon.

today, i went to KL for a day's trip on visit to Sunway University College and Monash University. the trip itself is fun with all the people joking, chatting and having fun in the bus. but the talks are seriously boring. i am that kind of person who cannot sit down quietly for too long and talks itself requires quite some time. i am moving in and out of dreamlands throughout the talks. i know this is disrespectful to the speakers but who to blame?? i have to go to school by 3.30 am so that we won't be late for this visit. it's tiring.

then after the talks, there is a one and a half hour for shopping and we went to Sunway Pyramid. the time was short so there isn't much shopping that can be done. then shop until halfway, a friend sneaked up on me and it freaked me out. it reminds me of that freaky person i used to befriend with, so my mood became rather uneasy for the rest of the day. i still tried to have fun though. then i reached school at about 11pm and put a fulstop to a tired day.

i knew i need someone to talk to. someone who can really counsel me and help me to slowly erase those dark dark parts of my memories. because i realised i tend to leave aside every single thing that i am not pleased with or things that injuried me. this is a very unhealthy move. and soon, these will slowly become those reasons that i am giving up on myself. it's a rather beautiful excuse, but life shouldn't be about how to give up on myself.

jia leng, thank you for being such a great friend. it feels so warm to have a friend to that can assures that everything will be just fine. everyone needs friends like this and i am glad i had found one.

Yeenern, would you laugh at me if i am going to tell you that that stupid roger is still my phobia??

Diana, see la. all your fault for looking for a boyfriend like this. but i can't totally blame you, i had a great nose for trouble too.

Roger, is it that fun for you to do all these to all of us? i am angry with you for doing all these, and i am angry with your insanity. if i have the chance and the strength, and have no laws that states violence is a crime, i would seriously like to punch you up time and again for doing these to all of us.

But who's listening to me? i had a mask that hid me so well that even me myself could not bear to take it off and really show people how i really feel towards things.

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